How To Act Born Again (Better Red Than Dead)
Sun Jul 02, 2006 at 03:00:53 PM PDT
I was born in Texas, a liberal son of a liberal family. Unfortunately, most of my life has been either:
* attacking moronic ideas
* having liberal ideas attacked by morons
Throughout my 48 years I've managed to come up with rules of behavior that not only have allowed me to deal with Red Staters, but be mistaken for them as well!
Considering how the states are slowly being Diebold'ed ("your state will be assimilated by the Borg"), I figured I might pass along a few tips to those Blue Staters who haven't quite got into the program.
CAUTION: Those who have not reached voting age (or dying in Iraq age) should not read past this point! It may affect you in negative ways.
feloneouscat's diary :: ::
Dress Like You Have No Style
The average Republican has no sense of style. All fashion tips come from either the Home Shopping Channel ("oooo, look, its sooo purty") or whatever brand the team they like is hawkin' that year. Nothing more embarrassing than a building of white Red Staters trying to dress like homeboys.
So a few hints:
* Dress like you are going to Scarborough Country.
* T-shirts can have sports teams. NPR t-shirts are a dead give-away.
* Name brand tennis shoes in bland color. Black is safe and goes with anything.
* Slacks or blue jeans.
Women have a few other details that help:
* Hike that bra up. Remember, if it doesn't hurt, you're not being pretty enough
* Cheap makeup is good makeup. If it doesn't make you break out in 23 seconds, it's too high a quality. In a pinch you can cut the good stuff with Crisco.
* You like seasons? Forget it! Red States have one season and it is Under God.
Yes, we have freedom of religion in this country, but remember, in the Red States it is Jesus Christ's religion. Period. If you don't know this one, here are a few tips:
* "Jesus Christ died for our sins, therefore we have to kill the godless <insert group>". It doesn't make a lick of sense, but if you say it a couple of times, you'll be in like Flint (showing my age there).
* "It's in the Bible". Everything is in the Bible apparently, From anthropology to nuclear physics, you can drag it out of the Bible, kicking and screaming. Granted, it is always qualified with "what that means is".... which is the nature of fundamentalism - not interpreting the Bible.
* "If God weren't important, then why is it on the dollar bill?" I don't even HAVE to explain this, do I?
* "I own a business." To many Red Staters this IS a Biblical phrase. Apparently, liberals either can't, or are incapable, of owning business. So if you own a business, by default, you are not a liberal.
Kind of Car to Drive
This is very tricky. Because it is a balance between looking like an eco-terroist and BEING an eco-terrorist. Fortunately, the Red Staters have already given us 30 years of excuses.
* If you drive a hybrid, respond this way: "Hey, it's my money. I'm keeping as much as I can." Never mention the environment, safety, or quality. Instant giveaways.
* If you drive a truck (I own a ranch and unfortunately have one): Say nothing. It speaks for itself.
* German car... any German car. "I inherited it from my Grandmothers estate and didn't have to pay any tax on it!" That is a win-win. Makes you look like a total dick AND don't care about the estate tax.
* Saab... sell it. There is nothing you can say that won't give you away. Red Staters will spend 33 minutes or more just trying to get past that second 'a'. Not worth the brain freeze.
Where to live
If you don't like football, learn to like it. No, I don't mean soccer - that's pussy except during the World Cup (you can get by with "I don't know who is playing, but I hope the U.S. wins" - good enough). NEVER say "Thank GOD Germany won the World Cup". Might as well light a flaming cross on your property (assuming that deed restrictions allow for flaming crosses).
If you already like football, then become a fanatic. I don't mean wearing the team logo on a t-shirt. I mean buy your car in the TEAM COLORS. Paint your house in the team colors (there will never be a deed restriction when it comes to team colors). Have tailgate BBQ in your driveway.
The company is everything. Holidays are for slackers.
What's Karma Got to do With It?
Forget that you know, or even understand, big words. Karma, irrational, deception - pretend that you have a vague understanding of these words. When someone asks you how a word is spelt, misspell it intentionally. If they catch you on the misspelling, laugh and say how you never bothered to learn the big words in school.
Always remember: it is far easier for the intelligent to appear stupid than the stupid to appear intelligent.
With these simple tips, even the Blue Staters can live with the coming of the American Taliban.
Remember, if you can spend the time to separate your garbage into recyclable and non-recyclable, then you can learn to be Red.
There is also a poll on the website.