How To Act Born Again (Better Red Than Dead)
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Author:  dori [ Thu Jul 06, 2006 7:22 am ]
Post subject:  How To Act Born Again (Better Red Than Dead)

How To Act Born Again (Better Red Than Dead)
by feloneouscat
Sun Jul 02, 2006 at 03:00:53 PM PDT

I was born in Texas, a liberal son of a liberal family. Unfortunately, most of my life has been either:

* attacking moronic ideas

* having liberal ideas attacked by morons

Throughout my 48 years I've managed to come up with rules of behavior that not only have allowed me to deal with Red Staters, but be mistaken for them as well!

Considering how the states are slowly being Diebold'ed ("your state will be assimilated by the Borg"), I figured I might pass along a few tips to those Blue Staters who haven't quite got into the program.

CAUTION: Those who have not reached voting age (or dying in Iraq age) should not read past this point! It may affect you in negative ways.

feloneouscat's diary :: ::
Dress Like You Have No Style

The average Republican has no sense of style. All fashion tips come from either the Home Shopping Channel ("oooo, look, its sooo purty") or whatever brand the team they like is hawkin' that year. Nothing more embarrassing than a building of white Red Staters trying to dress like homeboys.

So a few hints:

* Dress like you are going to Scarborough Country.

* T-shirts can have sports teams. NPR t-shirts are a dead give-away.

* Name brand tennis shoes in bland color. Black is safe and goes with anything.

* Slacks or blue jeans.

Women have a few other details that help:

* Hike that bra up. Remember, if it doesn't hurt, you're not being pretty enough

* Cheap makeup is good makeup. If it doesn't make you break out in 23 seconds, it's too high a quality. In a pinch you can cut the good stuff with Crisco.

* You like seasons? Forget it! Red States have one season and it is Under God.

Biblical Verses

Yes, we have freedom of religion in this country, but remember, in the Red States it is Jesus Christ's religion. Period. If you don't know this one, here are a few tips:

* "Jesus Christ died for our sins, therefore we have to kill the godless <insert group>". It doesn't make a lick of sense, but if you say it a couple of times, you'll be in like Flint (showing my age there).

* "It's in the Bible". Everything is in the Bible apparently, From anthropology to nuclear physics, you can drag it out of the Bible, kicking and screaming. Granted, it is always qualified with "what that means is".... which is the nature of fundamentalism - not interpreting the Bible.

* "If God weren't important, then why is it on the dollar bill?" I don't even HAVE to explain this, do I?

* "I own a business." To many Red Staters this IS a Biblical phrase. Apparently, liberals either can't, or are incapable, of owning business. So if you own a business, by default, you are not a liberal.

Kind of Car to Drive

This is very tricky. Because it is a balance between looking like an eco-terroist and BEING an eco-terrorist. Fortunately, the Red Staters have already given us 30 years of excuses.

* If you drive a hybrid, respond this way: "Hey, it's my money. I'm keeping as much as I can." Never mention the environment, safety, or quality. Instant giveaways.

* If you drive a truck (I own a ranch and unfortunately have one): Say nothing. It speaks for itself.

* German car... any German car. "I inherited it from my Grandmothers estate and didn't have to pay any tax on it!" That is a win-win. Makes you look like a total dick AND don't care about the estate tax.

* Saab... sell it. There is nothing you can say that won't give you away. Red Staters will spend 33 minutes or more just trying to get past that second 'a'. Not worth the brain freeze.

Where to live

Gated community.


If you don't like football, learn to like it. No, I don't mean soccer - that's pussy except during the World Cup (you can get by with "I don't know who is playing, but I hope the U.S. wins" - good enough). NEVER say "Thank GOD Germany won the World Cup". Might as well light a flaming cross on your property (assuming that deed restrictions allow for flaming crosses).

If you already like football, then become a fanatic. I don't mean wearing the team logo on a t-shirt. I mean buy your car in the TEAM COLORS. Paint your house in the team colors (there will never be a deed restriction when it comes to team colors). Have tailgate BBQ in your driveway.

Work Ethic

The company is everything. Holidays are for slackers.

What's Karma Got to do With It?

Forget that you know, or even understand, big words. Karma, irrational, deception - pretend that you have a vague understanding of these words. When someone asks you how a word is spelt, misspell it intentionally. If they catch you on the misspelling, laugh and say how you never bothered to learn the big words in school.

Always remember: it is far easier for the intelligent to appear stupid than the stupid to appear intelligent.

Bottom Line

With these simple tips, even the Blue Staters can live with the coming of the American Taliban.

Remember, if you can spend the time to separate your garbage into recyclable and non-recyclable, then you can learn to be Red.

There is also a poll on the website.

Author:  Catherine [ Thu Jul 06, 2006 8:56 am ]
Post subject: 

* Dress like you are going to Scarborough Country.

* T-shirts can have sports teams. NPR t-shirts are a dead give-away.

* Name brand tennis shoes in bland color. Black is safe and goes with anything.

* Slacks or blue jeans.

Women have a few other details that help:

* Hike that bra up. Remember, if it doesn't hurt, you're not being pretty enough

* Cheap makeup is good makeup. If it doesn't make you break out in 23 seconds, it's too high a quality. In a pinch you can cut the good stuff with Crisco

The women have to love to wear Spandex. If one weighs 250+, (and so many of them do) then it's even more important for them to wear Spandex. AND be sure to top it off with the sports t-shirt, socks, and those brand-name tennis shoes.

Shop everyday at Wal-Mart...(I saw a neat bumper-sticker the other day..."MALL-WART: The place to buy cheap plastics from China.")

Meet your friends and do your banking within the Wal-Mart Superstore.

Paint your house in the team colors

How about buying some small nandina bushes, and planting them in the shape of your team's name or initials? :P

OR plant hedge bushes and shape them into the word: HELLO :wink:

(I've seen it all in my much so that I'm no longer surprised at anything the rednecks do.)


Author:  dori [ Fri Jul 07, 2006 3:10 am ]
Post subject: 


How about buying some small nandina bushes, and planting them in the shape of your team's name or initials?

OR plant hedge bushes and shape them into the word: HELLO

My neighbor has pink flamingos in her yard. I bet she never thought of the ideas above. And I am not going to tell her.


Ah, yes, spandex. Wonder how he missed spandex?

Author:  Catherine [ Fri Jul 07, 2006 5:59 am ]
Post subject: 

My mother was a great lover of flowers. Before she had the stroke that disabled her, she had numerous flowers and flowerbeds around her house. My sister and I would tease her, telling her all she needed to make her flowerbeds even more beautiful were pink flamingos. She said that if we gave her pink flamingos, she'd disown us.

We never did, of course, but "pink flamingos" was a standing family joke.


Author:  dori [ Fri Jul 07, 2006 6:57 am ]
Post subject: 

Don't you love those 'standing family jokes'? Something so warm about them, being part of the 'in' crowd. Being part of FAMILY!

That is why I feel so good about our 'family' here.

Author:  TheStripey1 [ Fri Jul 07, 2006 2:46 pm ]
Post subject: 

dori wrote:

How about buying some small nandina bushes, and planting them in the shape of your team's name or initials?

OR plant hedge bushes and shape them into the word: HELLO

My neighbor has pink flamingos in her yard. I bet she never thought of the ideas above. And I am not going to tell her.


Ah, yes, spandex. Wonder how he missed spandex?

HEY... I happen to LIKE flamingoes... but ours are the lil ones with the twirley wings... so much so in fact, we like them so much, we just bought a couple dozen of them from a catalog... due to arrive almost any time... wait... is that UPS now???


re: spandex... don't forget muffin tops... as that is what all that blubber hanging over the waistline is called... in times past, it was only the guys that got away with having their bellies hanging over their belts... now their wives are doin the same thing... makes one wonder how they can possibly make children...

:roll: :shock: :roll:

Author:  sadie53 [ Fri Jul 07, 2006 9:05 pm ]
Post subject: 

I have a sister-in-law who has flamingos all over her front yard. At Christmas they wear Santa suits and pull a sleigh. At Halloween they are ghosts. Valentine's day they are Cupids. Thanksgiving turkeys........

You guessed it. She is a staunch religious fundi neocon. What kills me is, she is also a teacher. Somehow the two just don't go together. Loving the party that steals from your kids. (shaking head) :scratch:

Author:  Catherine [ Fri Jul 07, 2006 11:12 pm ]
Post subject: 

What kills me is, she is also a teacher. Somehow the two just don't go together.

Oh, sadie...I taught for many years with repub fundies as colleagues! :lol: They were such hypocrites, and didn't have a clue as to how far they'd been led up the garden path by both their religion and their politics...they'd expound on their Christian philosophies in the lounge, and then turn around and speak to a child like he or she was so much dirt under their feet.

One of them was waaay beyond helping. She was so suppressed, she wouldn't say the word SHIT or HELL, but she had a huge bookcase in her room that was full of pristine children's books, which she never allowed her students to touch. (My classroom was full of books, most of them dog-eared and well-used.)

I found this teacher's attitude towards those books to be so indicative of how she felt about herself....too good to really get down and do what was necessary to educate her students. Her test scores? ALWAYS in the pits. That never surprised me! :roll:


Author:  dori [ Sat Jul 08, 2006 4:13 am ]
Post subject: 

That is so sad, Catherine. I can't help but think of the effect she had on her students.

I had one TERRIBLE teacher. She effected my entire life--my school life after her grade level was hell. I really never got over her.

I have a cousin that is a teacher, and from what I can gather, she treats her students the way that teacher treated me. I told her I felt for her students. Of course she got mad, but you can't treat children as though they are so much garbage under your feet and not have a bad influence on their lives.

Thank heaven for the teachers who actually CARE about their kids.

Stripey--how about finding a way for your flamingoes to supply a bit o' clean energy for you? First thing that came into my head, twirly = wind energy.

If anyone has any other red neck ideas, feloneouscat is going to write a sequel and I am sure would love some input. Did anyone leave him a posted feedback? Heck, I didn't even do that and he is a friend.

Author:  sadie53 [ Sat Jul 08, 2006 9:21 am ]
Post subject: 

Teachers forget they are ROLE MODELS. They also forget the GOLDEN RULE. It is so sad. You don't want to say they do it for the pay check because the pay isn't all that great. They must hate "those less fortunate" than themselves so they get their jollies being mean to them.

Catherine my books are ripped and taped back together, dog-eared, coverless, etc. I make sure the kids know how much I treasure certain books and that is why I keep putting them back together, for them to enjoy.

Author:  dori [ Sat Jul 08, 2006 10:58 pm ]
Post subject: 

This doesn't apply only to teachers, but I know many adults who seem to believe children are not people. Can't figure it out--what are they if they are not people? Is there some magic age when they become people? Or is anyone younger than themselves always a non-person to such adults?

Kind of like those who see the poor as less than human. Or people of a different color less than human. Or the old less than human. The list goes on...

Anyone else know people like this?

Author:  justinmoon22 [ Mon Jul 10, 2006 3:24 am ]
Post subject: 

I have to bring this up. My weekend shift finally came to an end tonght :D 3 - 12 hr days in a row. Someone said to me "Cincinnati is full of liberals, and liberals do nothing but crap on whats fun. He was pissed and blamed liberals for " being against pornography". "Those liberals gave Larry Flynt and Hustler so much grief". "You cant have strip clubs no where without liberals ruining it". I let him go on and on about how "WE" screw everything up. Finally i broke his yittle heart. I told him I was a liberal. The conversation ended. Well I couldnt help me-self but ask "why" are we so bad. He couldnt answer. I asked him how he knew liberals were behind it. I went on to tell him he neede to get his facts straight. "Its liberals who defend our first amendment right". I told him that republicans want to restrict our 1st rights. Then he told me we should because of the whole NY times. I set him up for that. I told him he just contradicted himself. We had an issue her about 4 - 5 years ago when Hustler wanted to build an adult store. the local churches all made a huge stink. They were no "liberal" churches either. They trough fits and tied it up in court. Well the store won. They built a church right next to it. The church closed down after a year. Now does that sound like a bunch of libs to you???? Theres too many repukes at Dell.

Author:  dori [ Mon Jul 10, 2006 8:48 am ]
Post subject: 

There are too many repukes everywhere!

I think people are so used to hearing the Limbaughs and Faux people bash liberals, it is just a knee jerk reaction to blame everything on them. If only people would actually look at who it is who is shutting our rights down, and who is fighting to keep them, they would be tremendously surprised.

Talked with a rightwinger last night--and she came out with pretty much the same things. Everything she didn't like about our country today is caused by liberals. And she knows I am liberal. Nice of her to call to talk, eh?

Author:  Catherine [ Mon Jul 10, 2006 9:58 am ]
Post subject: 

Justin...copy the WHAT SECRET post I made in the Deceptive Reporting forum and show it to your Rethug colleague the next time he starts talking about the New York Times being so bad.

He's probably referring to their supposed "outing" of secrets that the Bushies don't want us to know about.

Here's something else to use against him: ... ght=#10291

I'm sick of the buckys and their stupidity. So, here are some good talking points to bring up when you're hit with the Bush-Culture of Corruption-approving, Fux News believing, braindead dumbasses:

1. Do you understand that no tangible, truthful reason has ever been given for the invasion of Iraq and that the 9/11 Commission Report – which is the de facto, official findings of our government – says there was no reason whatsoever for this war?

2. Have you ever heard of the Downing Street Memos? Would it interest you to know that these official notes, from the British Prime Minister's meeting on July 23, 2002, show that the Bush administration was dead-set on war with Iraq and twisting intelligence to fit that goal?

"There was a perceptible shift in attitude. Military action was now seen as inevitable," reported the secret memo, later published in the Sunday Times of London. "Bush wanted to remove Saddam, through military action, justified by the conjunction of terrorism and WMD. But the intelligence and facts were being fixed around the policy. The NSC [National Security Council] had no patience with the UN route, and no enthusiasm for publishing material on the Iraqi regime's record. There was little discussion in Washington of the aftermath after military action."

You can go here to learn more:

3. When you look at the picture of even one military man or woman killed in Iraq and imagine the pain their family must feel, can you multiply that by 2,134 and believe that was a worthwhile down payment on removing Saddam Hussein from power? Before you answer, are you aware that Iraq had nothing to do with any attacks on our country and that it has been proven that Saddam Hussein had no capability at all to harm our people?

See the 9/11 Commission Report for more information.

4. Do you approve of how ineffective the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) has been rendered since 2000 and the deadly results in our inability to protect our own people in disasters -- even those for which we have plenty of warning? Were you surprised to find out that the campaign contributor President Bush appointed to be the recently-disgraced head of FEMA had no experience at all in disaster management?

5. Do you have health insurance? Are you aware that almost 46 million Americans have no medical insurance and that the Bush administration thinks this works just fine? Most of us parents have seen our young children suffer with a common ear infection. Imagine watching your child in that pain and how you would feel being powerless to get antibiotics to ease your child's suffering. Are you comfortable with children in America living in situations like that – and worse? ... 05647.html

6. Is your family better off and more stable socially, medically and economically now than when Bill Clinton was president? Even assuming you are not an economist, how do you compare the 22.7 million jobs created by President Clinton's administration with a net loss of jobs -- a 4.6 percent decrease in total employment -- since Bush took office? ... tial_terms and

7. Did the photos of prisoner abuse released from Abu Ghraib – the worst are in litigation and still to come – make you proud of our country?

8. Do you ever lie awake at night and question how the world went from a mentality of "we are all Americans today" on September 12, 2001 to almost universally despising our country now? To what do you attribute this?

9. Do you understand that scientists have almost universally agreed that a Category 1 hurricane doesn't become a Category 5 overnight without the impact of significant global warming? Did you know that Team Bush doesn't believe in the concept?

10. Do you believe it is good for your family and the future of your children that President Bush took the biggest federal budget surplus in U.S. history – amassed during the Clinton years – and turned it into the largest deficit ever in just his first term? What is your view of public policy that continues to give massive tax cuts to the richest Americans while doing nothing about our health-care crisis and, at the same time, cutting safety-net programs for children, the elderly, disabled Americans and Veterans?

11. Do you have a "support the troops" sticker on your car? How does this mesh with the fact that the Bush administration has cut Veterans benefits repeatedly and that the Republican Congress has on many occasions voted down Democrat-sponsored measures that would have provided physical and mental-health care funds for returning Iraq-war Vets?

12. Have you heard the name Valerie Plame in the news and just not understood why? Did you know that she's the covert CIA officer outed by the Bush administration as retaliation against her husband, Ambassador Joe Wilson, who exposed a major lie used by the administration take us to war in Iraq?

13. Did you know that the 44 Democrats in the U.S. Senate represent well over 50 percent of the country's population and yet Republicans have voted down almost 90 percent of legislation sponsored by Democrats in 2005?

14. The federal minimum wage has stayed below the poverty level -- $5.15 per hour –for almost a decade, creating a situation where a hard-working American, working 50-60 hours a week, still lives at or below the poverty line. Does that sound right to you? Are you aware that Democratic Senator Ted Kennedy brought minimum wage increases to the Senate floor twice in 2005 and they were shot down each time by the Republican majority?

15. Are you okay with the culture of corruption in the GOP that has the vice president's chief of staff indicted for perjury, Tom DeLay up on money-laundering charges and Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist being investigated for insider trading – and that this may only be the tip of the iceberg?

If you are fully aware of everything I have cited here and can still say that you approve of George W. Bush, then we just flat-out have very different views of what America is suppose to be. But I have to ask: What happened to your love of country?

If this has given you food for thought, please do your own homework on these issues and use the information to make you more carefully consider who gets your vote in 2006 and 2008.

For the 60-65 percent of you who already think that the president is doing a lousy job, use these as talking points whenever anyone dares to talk about what a great leader we have in the White House.

Source: Yellow Dog Blog

Then tell him to go live in Cuba, or better yet, volunteer for Iraq.


Author:  justinmoon22 [ Mon Jul 10, 2006 4:09 pm ]
Post subject: 

He actually didnt talk to me for a while because last week or so when all the NY Times stuff came out and they were all outraged he told me that he hated the NY times for that. He told me how LIBERAL the NY times was. Well I then I told him that the NY times wasnt so damn liberal when Clinton got a blow job. He didnt know what to say. He just stood there. Didnt say another word. He didnt talk to me all last week and weekend, until yesterday. I get him everytime we talk politics. He hates talking to me about it.

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