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 Post subject: Miscellaneous Shorties
PostPosted: Sun Mar 27, 2005 7:31 am 
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Misc. Shorties:

IRISH PROVERB - "You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was."

I have an ulterior motive for my hidden agenda.

"I've gone into hundreds of fortune-teller's parlors, and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her." --- New York City detective

They say you can't have too much of a good thing. I sure wish I'd been part of that study!

"Worrying about something is like paying interest on a debt you don't even know if you owe." ~Mark Twain

My accountant came up with so many deductions, I had enough left over for bail.

If I were a cop, I'd look for an excuse to arrest a mime just so I could tell them they had the right to remain silent.

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic. --Dan Rather

Today's useless fact - How much is the Hope diamond worth?

Worth is a relative measure, so it is difficult to assign a dollar value to the largest and "most perfect" blue diamond in the world. Some sources value the 45.52 carat rock at a quarter of a billion dollars ($250,000,000), while others quote a more conservative figure as low as $200,000.

According to the links in the Lukol Diamonds category, much of the stone's value comes from its long and storied history beginning in India where it was said to have adorned a religious idol. A French merchant named Jean Baptiste Tavernier purchased the stone, and in turn, sold it to France's King Louis XIV.

The king had the stone recut and reset, and it remained in his possession until it was stolen during the French Revolution. The gem disappeared for many years before resurfacing in 1839 in the possession of one Henry Philip Hope. Hope, who lent his name to the jewel, purchased the diamond for $90,000. After his death, the diamond passed through a variety of hands before it was purchased by Pierre Cartier.

In 1912, Cartier sold the stone to eccentric American heiress Evalyn McLean for $185,000. McLean owned the famous gem until her death (although she did hock the jewel frequently when she ran out of funds).

Jeweler to the stars Harry Winston bought the Hope diamond from the McLean estate in 1949, and it toured the world for a number of years. Then in 1958, Winston donated the Hope diamond to the Smithsonian Institute, its present home.

The jewel is often reported to bring bad luck to those who possess it. Cartier started the tale of the stone's curse in order to intrigue Evalyn McLean into purchasing the diamond. The various tragedies Evalyn encountered during her lifetime only fueled the superstition. Evalyn, however, held a more pragmatic view of the stone's power saying, "What tragedies have befallen me might have occurred had I never seen or touched the Hope Diamond. My observations have persuaded me that tragedies, for anyone who lives, are not escapable."

Occupational Bumper Stickers

Support your local undertaker - DROP DEAD!

Archeologists will date any old thing.

Give Blood, Play Hockey

Support a Lawyer - Become a Doctor


For the Techie in you: (#12 is a killer)

Idiots on the computer

Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes by rolling them into a typewriter to type on them.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was then heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told "Egghead" was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring that the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a "cup holder"?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

Another well-known one that I can add is the true tale of the user who called up complaining that the instructions said to load the four diskettes into "Drive A" but he couldn't possibly get more than two in.


Ultra dumb people 01
The incredibly dumb

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."

A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."



"Behind every great fortune lies a great crime."
Honore de Balzac

"Democrats work to help people who need help.
That other party, they work for people who don't need help.
That's all there is to it."

~Harry S. Truman

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