Thanks to my good friend, Panda for these.
Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors
They say that a fool and his money are soon parted. What I'd like to know is how they got together in the first place.
"Only kings, editors, and people with a tapeworm have the right to use the editorial 'we'." - Mark Twain
Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's greatest evils: People who shouldn't drink with people who shouldn't sing.
"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side."
Life ain't about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
What do people in China call their good dishes?
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?"
She hit me.
A hospital corpsman and I were helping an elderly retired chief petty officer out of his wheelchair when I noticed the man had a tattoo on his knee.
"What's that?" I asked, unable to make out the design.
"It's a banjo," he replied, a little sheepishly. "I'm from Alabama."
Things That Make You Go Hmmm…
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
If someone is pretty ugly, which are they?
Why isn't "God told me to" recognized as a valid defense in a court of law?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to become troubled and insecure?
Why do people believe you when you say there are four billion galaxies, but check when you say the paint is wet?
I decided to stop worrying about my teenage son's driving and take advantage of it. I got one of those bumper stickers that say, "How's my driving?" and put a 900 number on it. At 50 cents a call, I've been making $78 a week!
Some people are extremely impressed when you tell them you're a Navy SEAL.
Case in point: My grandson's Kindergarten class on Career Day. I regaled them with stories of my exploits in the military. After I finished hands shot up into the air all over the classroom. The kids were eager to ask questions. One little girl asked, "Can you balance a ball on the end of your nose?"