Monday Sept. 1 2008- Republican National Convention Schedule

7:00pm- Opening prayer by Reverend Ted Haggard

7:05 pm – Ceremonial burning of the U.S. Constitution

7:15 pm – Spiritual Medium Sylvia Browne performs psychic séance in desperate attempt to raise Ronald Reagan from the grave

7:35 pm – "The Pleasures of Adultery" - with Newt Gingrich & Rudy Giuliani

8:05 pm – Gay sex party in Men's Restroom hosted by Senator Larry Craig

8:35 pm - Transvestite Ann Coulter – "My Life as a Man"

8:55 pm – Live satellite feed from Federal Prison – Ohio Rep. Bob Ney

9:05 pm – Guest speaker ex-Florida Congressman Mark Foley " Joys with Young Boys"

9:25 pm – Oliver North – " Iran is Evil, but I sold them weapons anyway"

9:50 pm – Bill O' Reilly – " The costs of sexual harassment and phone sex with employees"

10:20 pm – Check John McCain to see if he's still breathing and if his adult diaper needs changed.

10:35 pm – N.R.A. President hosts an assault riffle target practice on Gays and Mexicans.

10:45 pm - Standby- Be ready to call emergency squad in case drunken Dick Cheney accidentally shoots his friend in the face.

11:00 pm – President Bush performs his hilarious comedy routine where he looks for Iraq's fictitious WMD's under guests tables.

11:15 pm – Governor Mike Huckabee does his famous uncanny imitation of Gomer Pyle.

11:20 pm – Group intervention to get Rush Limbaugh back into drug rehab

11: 45 pm – Go up on rooftop and throw rocks down at homeless Vets sleeping in alley.

12:00 am – Live satellite feed from Federal Prison – California Congressman Randy "Duke" Cunningham

12:20 am – Convicted felon/Fox News analyst G. Gordon Liddy – Lock picking secrets

12: 40 am – Guest speakers Donald Rumsfeld and Paul Wolfowitz – "How to mislead your Country into a War"

1:00 am – Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay – "Tips on Money Laundering"

1:15 am – Hookers arrive for after party hosted by Senator David Vitter.