A dyslexic agnostic insomniac. Lies awake all night *wondering* if there's a dog.
A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but Saran wrap. The Doctor looks up at him and says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts!"
What's the difference between a priest and acne? Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 14.
Someone that knows three languages is trilingual. Someone that knows two languages is bilingual.
So what do you call someone that only knows one language? A) An American.
A woman walks into his kitchen with a duck under her arm and says
'This is the pig I have been fucking'
Her husband says' That's not a pig that's a duck'
She replies ' I wasn't talking to you.
Q: What is the difference between a neo-conservative and a catfish?
A: One is a slimy bottomfeeder with no backbone, and the other is just a dumb fish.
I hope that I die peacefully, in my sleep, like my granddad. Not screaming in terror, like his passengers
President Bush was invited to address a major gathering of the
American Indian Nation last weekend in Arizona. He spoke for almost an
hour on his future plans for increasing every Native American's
present standard of living. He referred to his career as Governor of Texas, how he had signed "YES" 1,237 times - for every Indian issue
that came to his desk for approval.
Although the President was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed
most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his "red
At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the President
with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The
proud President then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they come
to select the new name given to the President.
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full
of shit it can no longer fly.
BUSH GETS CODED MESSAGE FROM SADDAM
After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Saddam is still alive', Saddam decides to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him know that he is still in the game.
Bush opens the letter and sees only a coded message: "370HSSV-0773H". He can't figure it out, so he asks Karl Rove.
Rove suggests that the head of the CIA would certainly understand code, so Bush sends it to George Tenet. Tenet, however, can't figure it out, either. He suggests, "How about Condi? She has a doctorate, that means she's smart."
But Dr. Rice is baffled, too. As Bush is pondering the mysterious message lying on the desk before him, Colin Powell enters the Oval Office. When he sees the paper and reads what is written on it, he asks, "Sir, where did that come from?"
Bush replies testily, "Supposedly it's a message from Saddam. But what the hell does '370HSSV-0773H' mean?"
Powell clears his throat and replies, "Mr. President, I think you've been looking at the message upside down."