Jasper the Dog and the Unbaked Yeast Rolls
Those of you who have animals will probably appreciate this the most. It is
a story that is hilarious in itself and the person who wrote it is a good
writer and made the story even better. Enjoy ...
We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us in the summer of
2001 from the fox terrier rescue program. For those of you who are
unfamiliar with this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10 year old child
about whom you know nothing and committing to doing your best to be a good
Like a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies. He will only sleep
on the bed, on top of the covers, nuzzled as close to my face as he can get
without actually performing a French kiss on me.
Lest you think this is a bad case of 'no discipline,' I should tell you that
Perry and I tried every means to break him of this habit, including locking
him in a separate bedroom for several nights. The new door cost over $200.
But I digress.
Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house. Although the cost of the
project is downright obnoxious, it was 20 years overdue AND it got me out of
cooking Thanksgiving for family, extended family, and a lot of friends that
I like more than family most of the time.
I was assigned the task of preparing 124 of my famous yeast dinner rolls for
the two Thanksgiving feasts we did attend.
I am still cursing the electrician for getting the new oven hooked up so
quickly. It was the only appliance in the whole darn house that worked,
thus the assignment.
I made the decision to cook the rolls on Wednesday evening to reheat
Thursday AM. Since the kitchen was freshly painted, you can imagine the
odor. Not wanting the rolls to smell like Sherwin Williams #586, I put the
rolls on baking sheets and set them in the living room to rise for a few
hours. Perry and I decided to go out to eat, returning in about an hour.
The rolls were ready to go in the oven.
It was 8:30 PM. When I went to the living room to retrieve the pans, much
to my shock, one whole pan of 12 rolls was empty. I called out to Jasper
and my worst nightmare became a reality. He literally wobbled over to me.
He looked like a combination of the Pillsbury dough boy and the Michelin
Tire man wrapped up in fur. He groaned when he walked. I swear even his
cheeks were bloated.
I ran to the phone and called our vet. After a few seconds of uproarious
laughter, he told me the dog would probably be okay; however, I needed to
give him Pepto Bismol every 2 hours for the rest of the night. God only
knows why I thought a dog would like Pepto Bismol any more than my kids did
when they were sick. Suffice it to say that by the time we went to bed the
dog was black, white and pink. He was so bloated we had to lift him onto
the bed for the night.
We arose at 7:30 and as we always do first thing, put the dog out to relieve
himself. Well, the dog was as drunk as a sailor on his first leave. He was
running into walls, falling flat on his butt and most of the time when he
was walking, his front half was going one direction and the other half was
either dragging the grass or headed 90 degrees in another direction.
He couldn't lift his leg to pee, so he would just walk and pee at the same
time. When he ran down the small incline in our back yard he couldn't stop
himself and nearly ended up running into the fence.
His pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy as a loon. I endured another
few seconds of laughter from the vet (second call within 12 hours) before he
explained that the yeast had fermented in his belly and that he was indeed
He assured me that, not unlike most binges we humans go through, it would
wear off after about 4 or 5 hours, and to keep giving him Pepto Bismol.
Afraid to leave him by himself in the house, Perry and I loaded him up and
took him with us to my sister's house for the first Thanksgiving meal of the
My sister lives outside of Muskogee on a ranch (10 to 15 minute drive).
Rolls firmly secured in the trunk (124 less 12) and drunk dog leaning from
the back seat onto the console of the car between Perry and me, we took off.
Now I know you probably don't believe that dogs burp, but believe me when I
say that after eating a tray of risen unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS WILL BURP.
These burps were pure Old Charter. They would have matched or beat any
smell in a drunk tank at the police station. But that's not the worst of
Now he was beginning to fart and they smelled like baked rolls. God strike
me dead if I am not telling the truth! We endured this for the entire trip
to Karen's, thankful she didn't live any further away than she did.
Once Jasper was firmly placed in my sister's garage with the door locked, we
finally sat down to enjoy our first Thanksgiving meal of the day. The dog
was the topic of conversation all morning long and everyone made trips to
the garage to witness my drunken dog, each returning with a tale of Jasper's
latest endeavor to walk without running into something. Of course, as the
old adage goes, 'what goes in must come out' and Jasper was no exception.
Granted if it had been me that had eaten 12 risen, unbaked yeast rolls, you
might as well have put a concrete block up my behind, but alas a dog's
digestive system is quite different from yours or mine. I discovered this
was a mixed blessing when we prepared to leave Karen's house. Having
discovered his 'packages' on the garage floor, we loaded him up in the car
so we could hose down the floor.
This was another naive decision on our part. The blast of water from the
hose hit the poop on the floor and the poop on the floor withstood the blast
from the hose. It was like Portland cement beginning to set up and cure.
We finally tried to remove it with a shovel. I (obviously no one else was
going to offer their services) had to get on my hands and knees with a
coarse brush to get the remnants off of the floor. And as if this wasn't
degrading enough, the darn dog in his drunken state had walked through the
poop and left paw prints all over the garage floor that had to be brushed
Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely so we took him home and
dropped him off before we left for our second Thanksgiving dinner at Perry's
I am happy to report that as of today (Monday) the dog is back to normal
both in size and temperament. He has had a bath and is no longer tricolor.
None the worse for wear I presume. I am also happy to report that just this
evening I found 2 risen unbaked yeast rolls hidden inside my closet door.
It appears he must have come to his senses after eating 10 of them but
decided hiding 2 of them for later would not be a bad idea. Now, I'm doing
research on the computer as to: 'How to clean unbaked dough from the
And how was your day?
"Behind every great fortune lies a great crime."
Honore de Balzac
"Democrats work to help people who need help.
That other party, they work for people who don't need help.
That's all there is to it."
~Harry S. Truman