Dear President Bush:
Congratulations on your victory. Actually, we're a bit ticked off
here in California, so we're leaving.
And we're taking all the Blue States with us. In case you are not
aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin,
Michigan, Illinois, and all of the North East.
We spoke to God, and she agrees that this split will be beneficial to
almost everybody, and especially to us in the new country of
In fact, God is so excited about it, she's going to shift the whole
country at 4:30 pm EST this Friday. Therefore, please let everyone know they
need to be back in their states by then.
So you get Texas and all the former slave states.
We get the Governator, stem cell research and the best beaches.
We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay. (Okay, we have to keep Martha
Stewart. We can live with that.)
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole Miss'.
We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get
all the technological innovation in Alabama.
We get about two-thirds of the tax revenue, and you get to make the
red states pay their fair share.
Since our divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian coalition's,
we get a bunch of happy families.
You get a bunch of single moms to support, and we know how much you
Did I mention we produce about 70% of the nation's veggies? But heck,
the only greens the Bible-thumpers eat are the pickles on their Big Macs.
Oh yeah, another thing, don't plan on serving California wine at your
state dinners. From now on it's imported French wine for you. (Ouch, bet
Just so we're clear, the country of California will be pro-choice and
anti-war. Speaking of war, we're going to want all Blue States'
citizens back from Iraq.
If you need people to fight, just ask your evangelicals. They have
tons of kids they're willing to send to their deaths for absolutely no
purpose. And they don't care if you don't show pictures of their kids' caskets
Anyway, we wish you all the best in the next four years and we hope,
really hope, you find those missing weapons of mass destruction.
I'm sure that any "Blue" people living in one of the Red States will be welcomed to join the Blue State of their choice!!