Imports of the Scottish dish haggis have been banned since the FDA has reclassified the Scots beloved dish as fertilizer.
And this is the same government agency that is banning non-prescription use of a next-day contraceptive pill because it could promote promiscuous behavior in teenage girls. We're doomed by Dumb-ocracy.
"Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
"Science has proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof." ~ Ashley Montague -
According to the National Resources Defense Council, if the U.S. could raise fuel efficiency standards on American cars by one mile per gallon, in one year, Americans would save twice the amount of oil that could be obtained from the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.
Raise it by 2.7 miles a gallon and we could eliminate all the oil imports from Iraq and Kuwait combined. And if we raised it by 7.6 mpg, the United States would eliminate 100% of its gulf oil imports into this country. Gary Margolis.
HOW TO BE A MULE
You have to believe God hates homosexuality, but loves the death penalty. You have to believe in prayer in schools as long as it doesn't involve Allah or Buddha; and if condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex. You have to believe that the nation's prosperity was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own. AIDS victims deserve their disease, but smokers with lung cancer and overweight individuals with heart disease don't deserve theirs. You have to believe that Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism is ok. And pollution is ok, too, as long as it makes a profit. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions without regulations that affect us all. Providing healthcare to all Iraqis is sound policy but providing it to all Americans is Socialism. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
"One aspirin a day may prolong your life; 30 will end it. A pinch of salt will stimulate the taste buds; three teaspoons will kill a baby. A pint of water will satisfy your thirst; gulping six pints will finish you off."
"Natural pesticides in food outweigh synthetic ones by 20,000 to one." In fact, "Ninety-nine point nine percent of the chemicals we consume are natural...[and] have existed throughout the entire evolutionary process of vertebrate life, but still cause cancer in mice and - well who knows?"
The female mosquito, who needs your blood to build the shells of her eggs, is the deadliest creature on the face of the earth, being directly responsible for the deaths of millions annually.
"The pandemic of 1918 killed more people in 24 weeks than AIDS in 24 years."
"Too many ob-gyns aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." ~ G.W. at a Poplar Bluffs, Missouri rally, really...
Speaking Of GW, the present administration regularly launders statistics to "fit its ideology."
Among the examples cited is the deletion from a National Cancer Institute website of a statement declaring that abortions do not cause an increase in breast cancers while another federal site was cleansed of a study reporting that here was no increase in sexual activity among teens educated about condom use. "The pattern is clear," suggests The Week. When confronted with facts that do not fit its worldview, the Bush administration "just ignores them, cuts them, or makes them disappear."
On the other hand, the administration is proposing a major expenditure to promote pro-marriage propaganda, prompted no doubt in part by the same-sex marriage flap. "Yet," says The Week, "the Bible Belt is in no position to lecture the rest of us." According to a study published in Newsday, the divorce rate among Baptists is 29%, among nondenominational Christians, 35% and among atheists and agnostics? -- 21%!
"President Bush announced that we're going to Mars, which means he's given up on earth." ~ Jon Stewart
While sitting at your desk, if you lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles and then, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand -- your foot will change direction, and there's nothing you can do about it.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
Scientists for "Health UK" recently revealed that hops contain the female hormone phytoestrogenthe, and thus he-males should beware of over consumption, lest they turn into females! To test this assumption, 100 manly men chugged 6 pints in a one-hour period, after which, to a man, they all --
1. Gained weight.
2. Talked excessively without making sense.
3. Became overly emotional.
4. Couldn't drive.
5. Failed to think rationally.
6. Argued over nothing.
7. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
8. And had to sit down while taking a pee.
The American Academy of Pediatrics' reports that there is no meaningful differences between children raised by straight or gay parents, except for one thing: such children are "more tolerant of diversity and more nurturing toward younger children than those whose parents are heterosexual."
London pediatric Allergist Dr. Adam Fox has released a list of inside medical terms, which reveal that if your chart is marked UBI, it means "Unexplained Beer Injury", PGT means "Pissed, Got Thumped", PAFO, "Pissed And Fell Over", ATFO means "Asked To F*ck Off," and "Plumbum Oscillans", means you're not really sick but want a doctor to say so. (It's Latin for "swinging the lead.") GOK is the "God Only Knows" diagnosis and TEETH means "Tried Everything Else, Try Homeopathy". The "Dirtbag Index" is "the number of tattoos on the patient's body multiplied by the number of missing teeth to estimate the total days he has gone without a bath." FLK is a "Funny Looking Kid" and a PIMBA is a Brazilian acronym translated as a "swollen-footed, drunk, run-over beggar." "Handbag Positive" refers to a confused elderly lady. "Pumpkin Positive" --a brain so small that a penlight shone into the patient's mouth will make his head light up like a Jack-o-Lantern. A Code Brown is fecal incontinence, "Digging for Worms", varicose vein surgery. The "Departure Lounge" is slang for the geriatric ward where "Giving the O-sign", means a patient lying with his mouth open or if he's giving the "Q-sign", his tongue is hanging out. The "Rule of Five" is the principle that if more than five orifices are tubed, it's all over; GPO means "Good For Parts Only" and LOBNH -"Lights On But Nobody Home." Finally, CTD means "Circling the Drain", for obvious reasons. Fox apparently doesn't know "TTD", from Dallas' Southwestern Medical School which refers to an unexplained knife wound, since the victim always begins -- "These two dudes..."
By the way, this item was sent to me by "Purkaz" and I haven't an inkling what that stands for...
John F. Kennedy was plagued by the venereal disease Chlamydia and spent the first moments of the Bay of Pigs invasion getting a giant shot of penicillin.
Gerald Ford used to let off loud farts and blame them on his Secret Service men.
Wall Street types are shelling out $100 a pop for the thrill of "extreme" waxing. which rhymes with "scream." But, explains practitioner Lidia Tivichi, it can make oral sex, well, sexier because "Without the hair, everything down there looks bigger
"Every time a man has sex, he produces enough sperm to impregnate every woman in Europe." ~ "The Descent of Men" by Steve Jones,
Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of "MOUNT & DO." Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink."
Yes, it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
The first couple to be shown in bed together on primetime was Fred and Wilma Flintstone. Coca-Cola was originally green. Nondairy creamer is flammable. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. Bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, dishwashers, and laser printers are all invented by women.
The percentage of wilderness in Africa is 28% and in North America it's 38%. 40% of all people at a party will check out your medicine cabinet. At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow. Did you?
A tumor that weighed 175 pounds has been surgically removed from a 47-year-old Romanian woman in an operation that took 10 hours to complete by an international team of surgeons, reports Reuters. It weighed almost double her body weight. It was only possible because all expenses were paid by the Discovery Channel in exchange for the film rights. Can we use our SAG card to get in, or do we have to be on Medicare?
"The Society of Mutual Autopsy was formed in 1876 to prove that the soul does not exist."
"And now back to living, which is already in progress." ~ Kurt Vonnegut
Assuming you know what your email address will (still) be, you can write an email message to be sent to yourself in the future up to 30 years from now at http://www.futureme.org/
That's science and health for ya.