MEDIA DEVILS AT THE VATICAN GATES
Low-lying sweat on the upper portion of the lip area starts to bead and gather into large drops that penetrate the pads of the keyboard causing it to occasionally malfunction. Spittle drips down and a sticky white goo forms at the corners of the mouth. Blood pressure, normally 120/80, rises dramatically with eager anticipation of impending doom. The eyelids are twitching in a futile attempt to flick away beads of salty sweat from the brow, before they wash the eyes in a stinging blindness. Fingers rip and claw at the formerly coiffed hair in a nervous frenzy, and the feet are tapping like Bill Bojangled pistons fueled by cup after caffeinated cup of triple-expressos, black, and sweetened with seven sugars triggering an “All Systems Go”, igniting the engine of the two-horned, pitchfork tailed rocket ship known as 24-hour Cable News set to launch on your television screen. This beast needs ‘round-the-clock feeding and their prayers have been answered. The Pope may be ready to walk up the silver-lined steps leading to the Pearly Gates of Heaven. “Oh Lord, can it be true? Have you smiled down upon us to bequeath the biggest story of the year so far? The Pope may die! He sure doesn’t look very good. How can he fight off the flu for the second time? For God’s Sake he’s 84, he’s got to die and soon I hope, I hope, I hope. He had elective surgery for a tracheotomy. Wait a minute, who has elective surgery for a tracheotomy anyway? Is it like “I think I’ll stroll over to the hospital today to get a trach for the hell of it?” Details, details, is this a fact or not? Who cares we’ve got a story to distort, and something like checking the facts is a pain in the ass anyway, right? What if he can’t talk? He’ll have to resign. How does resignation work? Those rubes at the Vatican won’t give us the feeding of misinformation that we need to survive. How dare they? Don’t they understand that the spreading of rumors, half-truths, and endless speculation, keeps us alive? We can feed off this for at least a week, depending on how fast the Pope deteriorates, and if he does kick, we’ll have to wait for those stodgy Cardinals to pick another John Paul. Sure beats Michael Jackson. Once that smoke starts trailing out of the chimney though, it’ll be all over. Then we’ll have to get our hyenas regrouped to hunt down another victim to exploit. Do they have AA for people addicted to bloody, red meat? God I love this job! This is CNN, MSNBC, FOX News Channel, and I am a shark masquerading as a journalist for your enquiring pleasure, now standby for HARD NEWS”.
I gotta brother who thinks he's a chicken. We don't try to talk him out of it because we need the eggs.