APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE:This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a
complete financial statement,job history, lineage, and current medical
report from your doctor.
1. NAME _______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ________________
2. HEIGHT ____________________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q. _______ G.P.A.______
3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________ DRIVER'S LICENSE # __________________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK____________________________________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS _________________ CITY/STATE ___________ ZIP _________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?___________________________
If no, EXPLAIN ___________________________________________________
7. Number of years your parents have been married ____________________________
8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires? ______ A waterbed? _____
Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? A tattoo? ________
(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises )
9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?____________________
10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?
12. Church you attend _____________ How often do you attend __________________
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, and priest/rabbi/minister? __________
14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential
(That means I won't tell anyone-ever-I promise.)
a) If I were shot the last place on my body I would want wounded is ________
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ________________
c) A woman's place is in the ________________________________________
d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _____________
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is her ______________
( NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head
low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? __________________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY
KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE,
ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS
________________________________________ Signature ( That means your name, moron)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be notified in writing you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't and it would cause you injury.) if your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases. (You might want to watch your back)
and part 2,
"Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter"
Some thoughtful information for those who are daughters, were daughters, have
daughters, intend to have daughters, or intend to date a daughter.
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package,
because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long
as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off
of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their
trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an
insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open
minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with
your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However,
In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date
with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in
place to your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier
method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the
barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics,
and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you
is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the
only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other
girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you
have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is
finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and
more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the
movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that
can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why
don't you do something useful, like change the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places
where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there
are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places
where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient
temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff
T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to
her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies
which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged,
dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing,
merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you
have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a
shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of
your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi.
When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean
the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the
driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. speak the perimeter
password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and
early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged
face at the window is mine.
I do need to give credit to a person from desert storm.com for posting this there...
Never underestimate a person by their looks...