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 Post subject: When parents die
PostPosted: Fri Aug 31, 2007 10:47 am 
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I've always wondered just how much a "child" loses of themselves when a parent dies at the child's early age.

How devastating to a teen to 20-something young woman, say, could it be for her mother/confident to go before all life's answers could be revealed?

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 31, 2007 1:15 pm 
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Hm, that's an interesting question. My mother is still living, yet she has never been my confidant, but my father died before I was 2 years old, so I have always longed for a father, but don't know particularly what I am missing, since I wasn't old enough to understand what I had when he did die. I do wonder though, what he was like, what my life would have been like had he lived...

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 31, 2007 5:29 pm 
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I think they lose a lot....there's nothing like having a parent that cares about his or her child and for that caring and love to be shown unabashedly and consistently throughout childhood. Consider a child's sadness and lost feeling when other children talk about their parents on holidays such as Mother's Day and/or Father's Day. So much of our society is centered around family and "togetherness." I can remember at the age of almost ten being very frightened that my mother might die when she gave birth to my brother. She was sick for most of the pregnancy, and the feeling of anxiety was always there. My father had hired a young woman to come to the house to help look after us and Mom, as her doctor ordered complete bed rest for her during the last couple of months of the pregnancy. This young woman was a warm and giving individual and she helped my sister and me a lot, just by listening to our fears. She encouraged us by telling us Mom was going to be fine, that she just needed a bit of extra rest. We somehow believed her, and had Mom actually died, I don't know what we'd have done.

It's bad enough to lose your parents at any age, though.


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Possible Reactions of Children to Death

The death of a parent is a traumatic loss in a child's life. Different children cope in different ways. Possible reactions and children's statements that may or may not appear include:


Denial --"I don't believe it."


Bodily distress --"I can't breathe;" "I can't sleep."


Hostile reactions to the deceased --"Didn't he care enough for me to stay alive?"


Guilt --"She got sick because I was naughty. I killed her!"


Hostile reactions to others --"It is the doctor's fault. He didn't treat him right."


Replacement --"Uncle Ben, do you love me, really love me?"


Assumption of mannerisms of deceased --"Do I look like Mommy?"


Idealization --"How dare you say anything against Daddy! He was perfect."


Anxiety --"I feel like Mommy when she died. I have a pain in my chest."


Panic --"Who will take care of me now?" (Grollman, 1967, pp. 18-20).

If parents are concerned about how their children are reacting, they should consult a pediatrician or professional counselor.

Community Social Support
Social support of children is crucial following the death of a loved one. In coping with his or her own grief, the surviving parent may have difficulty providing emotional support and physical nurturing to his or her children when they need it most.

Many community resources are available to help families. Ministers, priests, or rabbis can help families with spiritual concerns. School guidance counselors and teachers should know of resources to help children. Support groups may also be available within schools or communities. Librarians can suggest quality books for parents to read alone or with their children. Many hospice organizations also have excellent reading materials.

Although no two individuals will have identical experiences, research provides clues to reactions that might be expected. The best advice for parents is to live with children during the good times in such a way that when difficult times come, the family will be able to withstand the upheaval


http://ohioline.osu.edu/hyg-fact/5000/5165.html

Grieving for Dummies

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 01, 2007 12:02 am 
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It's now classified as childhood PTSD. When you're a child, trauma is more serious and severe because of inexperience and helplessness.

As with most cases of PTSD, it is all in how the child grows and learns about the realities of life and how well their coping skills develop.

Imagine what the children in Iraq will carry in them, seeing their families blown up and their lives in a constant state of fear.

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 01, 2007 12:14 pm 
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Imagine what the children in Iraq will carry in them, seeing their families blown up and their lives in a constant state of fear.


I wish more people would do just that. Maybe we could start to hear 'end this war' rather than 'I would rather fight them over there than over here'. And yes, the latter is still what people here are saying.

As if we are not actually making ourselves LESS safe by being the world's bully.

My mother's mother didn't die, but she abandoned her at an early age 3000 miles from her home. People may believe I am cruel when I say my mother was crazy, but losing her father when her mother took her away, and then losing her mother by being abandoned does something cruel to a young child. She certainly learned how to put herself first even when it was at the cost of everyone else around her.

How fortunate children are when they actually do have people who love them and teach them right from wrong. Two parents can do that, a single parent can do that, adopted parents can do that. Increasingly, grandparents are doing that.

I just wish every child had at least one person in his/her life who loved them dearly and passed good values on to them.

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 01, 2007 12:33 pm 
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Theres a good dvd called Inside Iraq that gives you a good idea of what kids must be going through in Iraq.

[quote=Catherine]I think they lose a lot....there's nothing like having a parent that cares about his or her child and for that caring and love to be shown unabashedly and consistently throughout childhood. [/quote]
That is my suspicion.

My wife lost her mother to cancer when my wife was in her early 20's. She talks of being very close to her mom. All the siblings still well-up when someone brings up their mother in any poignant way. Our marrying pastor, just touched on my wife's mom and my wife just about lost it.

Can a loss like that cause one to lose confidence?

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 04, 2007 4:44 pm 
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Well, I watch my mom die from cancer when I was 20. Im now 27 and still feeling the effects. I wasnt a child, but I was far from grown up.

Its really hard loosing a parent and it makes it worst my dad has been gone since I was 5.

I no longer have anyone to congratulate me on making the deans list. No one to talk to about personal issues. And I also miss never knowing what my mom would have been like as a friend, and not just a mom. What she was like as a person. I really feel cheated.

I see so many others going shopping with their mom, or having coffee with their mom. Getting x-mas presents from their mom. B-day cards from their mom. As for me, my mailbox is empty and the only presents under the tree are from my gf.

its just awful, I hate it and I think about it every day.

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 Post subject: Losing a parent
PostPosted: Tue Sep 04, 2007 5:33 pm 
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I lost my Dad in 79 and my Mother in 82.

I was not a child but a full grown woman with a family of my own.

I took care of my parents until their demise and would gladly take care of them if they were still here.

However, the hardest thing for me to deal with was watching them die by
degrees and not being able to do any more than keeping them fed, clean
and happy as possible.

That is something I do not want my children to go through with me. As long as I am able to take care of myself then fine. Visit with me, keep me smiling and laughing with your jokes. But if ever I get to the point of not being able to do for myself - please place me in a home and go on with your life.

I don't want a funeral - I want my body donated to science - after all - just how many cadavers does science get that has everything they were born with? I always said my health has been so good that when my body does start going south it will go at once. I hate to admit for once I was correct- it seems to be going all at once.

My daughter says what if science refuses my corpse - my response - then throw me in the river and be done with it.

Often, I've heard it said that one should live their life so it will be a pleasure the second time around. Well children it is true - you do in fact live your life a second time. We've also heard from people who almost drowned their whole life flashed before them, now I understand.

Man's problems are in fact - Too soon old - Too late smart.

My Father was kidnapped when he was a little boy. Either sold or given to a farmer who used him for a slave. He never ceased looking for his parents. When he did find his stepmother and his stepbrothers and sisters, his Father was dead. Never has found his Mother. A very interesting and long story but I know it done a number on my Dad. But my Dad was one of the most intelligent men I ever met and tho he had no formal education and was illiterate he had enough common sense to put some of our educated idiots to shame.


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 04, 2007 6:44 pm 
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It's never easy to let our parents go, regardless of our age or the ages they are when it happens. So, I say that, if your parents are still around, be good to them in as much as you are able. Ask them questions about their childhoods, early adulthood, and how they ended up where they did. Interview them on videotape...get the sounds of their voices recorded.

Create a family history because nobody will do it if you don't.

Today is my late father's birthday...he would have been 81.

Happy birthday, Dad!

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 Post subject: Re: When parents die
PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2007 1:12 pm 
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I've always wondered just how much a "child" loses of themselves when a parent dies at the child's early age.


I'm 37 and lost my father this summer, of natural causes but quite suddenly nonetheless.

Honestly, for as much devastation and crushing numbness as I went through, I've gained something also. In a way that won't necessarily make sense when translated through a forum post, I changed spiritually in a certain way where somehow my father's wisdom is swirled in my spirit, making me more of a warrior than ever before. A sci-fi based metaphor might be when Ben Kenobi died, he actually became more deeply interwoven with Luke Skywalker's destiny than he ever could have if he had remained alive. In this way, while I've lost my father in this life, I've gained something also. And not just a spiritual interweaving and strengthening for my future destiny, but a strong inner conviction to make a permanent commitment to self-improvement, as a way of honoring my father's life as much as possible.

With all that said, I have no idea what the orphaned children of Iraq must be experiencing, because they're losing their parents to war, and they're losing much more than their parents. Even if they weren't losing their parents, they're still suffering under war. And that's more like what I consider to be a "real" problem than my personal experience with losing a parent.

For anyone who hasn't lost a parent, you're in for a treat. You WILL feel the weight of the world fall squarely on your shoulders, where it will stay for the rest of your life. I've found that the best way to handle that challenge is to make sure you live up to your calling.


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2007 4:52 am 
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You have explained that well, GR. "You WILL feel the weight of the world fall squarely on your shoulders, where it will stay for the rest of your life."

That is exactly how it feels.

Never heard that expressed before.

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 Post subject: One more thing GR
PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2007 4:23 pm 
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When anyone loses a parent - they have lost one of the best friends they will ever have in their lifetime.

They love us unconditionally.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Sep 09, 2007 3:46 am 
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My mom of 60+ lost her mother of 90+ this year. Even at those ages, it was tough. There's still grandpa, and he's even older.

They lived far apart, but they still talked, mailed, emailed, etc. regularly.

They sent each other care packages for Christmas.

Amazing how much unconditional love can extend.

So many memories. And it's nice when you can get a response to, "Remember when ... ?".

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