Poll numbers on Paul Ryan, Willard Romney's chosen running mate, have been crunched, and early results are looking good, according to a story by Jerry Manderd over at the Evver-Luvvin News Division (END).
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Almost three to two, Americans say they enjoy the thought of a Romney-Ryan tag-team in the White House more than they would enjoy, on a queasy Monday, a cold box lunch consisting of lima beans and liver.
By a wide margin, when asked about Ryan as a co-candidate, respondents said they would prefer Dan Quayle or Spiro Agnew, or even Whig Party candidate Millard Fillmore, even though he died in 1874. Martin Van Buren and Aaron Burr also received honorable mentions as write-in candidates in the survey of 2,300 U.S. residents whose last names begin with the letter "Q."
In a weekend mix-up, data provider Agamemnon DataMetrix shipped the wrong tapes to pollster Borderlyne Auto-Harangue Services, artificially limiting the survey sample to a Q-centric portion of the population.
Agamemnon spokesperson Earnest Lyre said, "It was the confusion of the weekend. We only had a skeleton staff here, the sudden announcement by Romney -- who announces a running mate on a weekend, when all the pundits are out barbecuing?"
Borderlyne spokesperson and survey supervisor Annie Gitcher-Gunne said, "The data collected and trends revealed are still statistically significant, as we cross-tabulated respondents according to favorite color and by each person's dry weight."
In a surprise finding, 63% of women 59 to 69 found Ryan "adorable," with another 11% calling him "cherub-like, but taller."
"I got the feeling these women wanted to adopt him," said Gitcher-Gunne, "although some said they wanted to ask Ryan how Grandpa Munster was doing, while a couple others said they hoped Ryan would come by and give them a 'free accordion lesson,' whatever that means."
In all, 17% rated Ryan as "not too horrid," while 22% ranked him "so-so." The majority of respondents said Ryan was "tepid but disturbing," with 9% choosing "meh." The remaining 8% had no opinion, were too confused to comment further, or were laughing too hard for surveying employees to make out what was being said.
Ryan is weakest in men 74 to 88, with just 7% rating him as "all right, I guess," but a whopping 83% ranked him as "Is that the moron who wants to gut Medicare and Social Security, that clueless hosehead?"
"One gentleman was extremely upset at Ryan's selection," Gitcher-Gunne added. "He called Ryan a 'rabid muttonhead' and wanted to turn in his Thomas E. Dewey button and resign from the party, saying 'next to this current crop, Eisenhower, Nixon, and, for that matter, Goldwater, were all flaming liberals!'"
In the crucial 29 to 33-and-a-third demographic, Ryan was judged as "marginally palatable," with many saying the Veep candidate had "too strong a nose," but hoped he would "provide a clean finish."
Children aged 11 to 14 -- saying they were answering for voting-age parents who were in the next room -- said by an almost 4-to-1 margin that Ryan "looked creepy" and would not accept a ride home with him in broad daylight, "even if both parents were in the car with him." An additional 8% in this group also said they wouldn't trust him to help with their math homework.
One 14-year-old respondent, who said she was answering for her 42-year-old aunt, who was "busy out back with Leo in the hammock," said, in relay from her aunt, "based on Ryan's sense of a budget and arithmetic, and of people's needs, I wouldn't let him run a bake sale -- not even if everything was free!"
Romney junior staffer Chase Munny, returning a call from the campaign bus, said, "There's some really good news somewhere in these numbers -- we just have to find it."
Continuing, Munny said, "For example, it looks like women 59 to 69 prefer Romney to tapioca pudding, even when real whipped cream and a maraschino cherry is used, while men 49 to 59 chose our ticket over changing the oil in their mothers-in-law's cars, out in the driveway, in a freezing rain."
Munny declined to comment about those positive trends dropping by two thirds whenever Ryan's name was substituted in questions instead. Munny said, "I think the boss will still be somewhat pleased by portions of this latest poll."
"We're on the way to the airport now to meet his private jet again, pick him up and get him on the bus with the rest of us, then drive him to the next campaign stop, like we always do. I know he'll be OK with these numbers, and glad that I had an opportunity to talk with you, even on a Sunday."
END reporter Jerry Manderd also included in his story a separate poll of seventeen fellow correspondents he interviewed over the weekend at the Wince 'n' Grimace Pub, in an informal poll taken there.
Manderd wrote, "The majority consensus -- almost unanimous except for that George Will -- is we'd all have a drink of some kind with Romney down here, just to see if he knows which end of the mug you drink out of."