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You are here Editorials Alex Baer Never Look into a Street Sweeper's Ashcan

Never Look into a Street Sweeper's Ashcan

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There is a bizarre irony involved for members of the clean-up crew, tracing the long street and avenue routes after a parade featuring elephants.  Oddly enough, crew members find themselves shoveling the same material from the back of the parade route as the GOP politicians were shoveling onto the crowds, up front.

Figuratively, figuratively.  At least, one hopes that is the case.  So, please bear with us while we keep sweeping up around here, trying to get all this... this... stuff off the streets and off our agendas.

For example:

Consider the plight of Romney campaign staff, heading home, exhausted, burnt to a crisp, right after Mitt's concession speech -- and discovering your campaign-paid credit card had been immediately shut off, leaving you reclining in a cab with a declined tab.

Another classy move from a real class act, one might say -- providing one wasn't too concerned about not kicking somebody when they're down, as it's usually said.  Of course, how down could Romney possibly be -- surrounded by family and a choice of nice mansions, tall millions, and no need to ever again even appear to be sort-of working?

(Mitt, you can always run the car elevator, up and down, for a while -- or go visit your money in the Caymans or Switzerland.  You know what?  Here's the deal:  Lay it all the way back with a Monster beverage, some Twizzlers, and a couple Coney Islands or Big Macs -- but don't look at the ingredients, this once.  Hey, if you're bored, you could always drop a Mentos factory or two down the smokestacks of some Diet Coke plants...)

But, strange as it is, the RomneyCard act may have to take a back seat to another move: putting up a "President-elect Romney" website before the election was over.  That in the same ballpark?  Yeah, probably.  Nine out of ten voters agree - with one still undecided. Check out the site, and feel the squirm, so to say.  (On the other hand, Nine Out of Ten Voters may be a good seasonal name for an indie band -- in another two or three years. Gotta let these things rest on hiatus, now and again...)

Well, Mitt -- Karl Rove will cover for you.  He's already started making excuses for that zero return on investment of contributors' $300 million -- they were counting on a pipeline to your desk, Mitt, and another one, hooked up to the Treasury.

There are many dozens of opinions offered for the GOP loss. One guess is that Mitt lost owing to the slut vote -- yes, the slut vote.  From a blogger at the -- get this -- Christian Men's Defense Network.  Nice, fun-loving guys doing the Lord's work, right?

Michael Moore also had an op-ed piece up, saying Tuesday night was a rebuke to Neanderthals across America.  Except for the rebuke-skipping done at Christian Men's Defense Network, I'd have to agree.  But, rebuking Republicans is like trying to shame those who have no shame and are shameless:  You can always try, with disappointing results. While you're at it, nail some of this tapioca pudding to that barn door over there, and let us know how that works out.

While Nate Silver was acing the course in predicting elections, turns out another numbers-cruncher ran a 100% game, too -- Drew Linzer, an assistant professor of political science at Emory University.  He nailed the numbers June 23, and gave the same prediction ever since:  332 to 206, which was right on the nose.

Pundits concerned about science dumping them out of their jobs, operating only on gut instinct, should be calmed in learning that ability alone can lead to a 90-percent correct rate, in an experiment in Tel Aviv.  And, for pundits who are suddenly statistician-averse, there's a "Drunk Nate Silver" game rolling on Twitter.

People who continue to be reality-averse, however, can continue to count on FOX to keep guard of all the day's news stories, and make sure none of it actually reaches viewers -- not until processed by the crack FOX Spin Team, where random, neutral-to-negative information is inserted in place of relevant facts.

Of course, for a real out-of-body experience, you'll have to go to Wiki, and scan their lists of political slogans.  A couple, as warm-ups:  "Bigger cages!  Longer chains!"  and the ever-popular, "A dollar a day, roast beef, and the Chinese must go!"  (Yeah, I'm not sure, either, even after decoding GOPese for the last few years.)

And, while you're still rubbing your eyes from that one, here comes info that seems to be streaming right out of The Onion, but appears legit:  California voters approved a measure requiring actors in adult films to wear condoms.

The LA County Department of Public Health will be tagged with enforcement duties, apparently.  One film actress said at a rally:  "The idea of allowing a government employee to come and examine our genitalia while we're on set is atrocious."

Suddenly, conversations will be dramatically shifting around some California supper tables when the question is raised, "So, how was your day, hon?"  (Give it a few seconds, then let your imagination take it from there, you know?)

For some reason, the condom-inspector story snagged more column inches than did the defeat of a sane-sounding measure to tell people what's in their food.  You know, like they do in all other countries of civilized world.  The GMO labeling requirement slid by in Europe, no big deal, and was easily set to law.

OK, so -- one more time, let's think this through:  Food companies spent $45 million to prevent labels going onto foods that would reveal those same foods contained something the food companies themselves say is utterly harmless.  (That sound like sensible business spending to you?) Guess we Americans just can't handle the truth.

Meanwhile, in Maine, there was a bizarre smear campaign by Republicans against Democrat Colleen Lachowicz, running for a state senate seat.  The GOP charged she was not fit for office because she -- gasp! -- played online games.  Lachowicz won, saying it showed just how "out of touch" Republicans are.

Well, yeah.

Meanwhile, rounding out this epic bout of cleaning,  trying to freshen the place up after that herd of crazed, trumpeting elephants went roaring through like they owned the place, here's a final meditation for the day:

There is now a theory that's been proposed to help explain the nature of blowhards and bloviators cable's created.  Aaron James has a scholarly book out from Doubleday, entitled, "Assholes:  A Theory."  Narcissism.  Hypocrisy.  Self-aggrandizement. You name it, it's in there.  And more.

Reality Check:  Yes, it's really over, no more election madness, if you dare believe in such utopian bliss.  The BBC confirms this must be true.  Why?  Well, the mattress ads are back on teevee!

Now, we just have to prepare ourselves for the next brutal, media drubbing -- the screams of fiscal cliff! fiscal cliff! shouters and other assorted, sky-is-falling, Chicken-Little (or Chicken Major), GOP drama queens.

At least, the pounding, thrashing, pummeling, and hollering, all around our heads and shoulders, and in our faces, won't last as long as the election campaigns did.  Although, it will seem like it.

The RomneyCard - don't leave home WITH it:



"President-elect" Romney's website:



Rove plays defense:

Slut vote:

Neanderthals rebuked:

Drew Linzer:

Gut instinct:

The Tipsy Nate Game:

FOX Lies:

Political slogans:

Condom Inspectors:

GMO defeat:

Playing the game:


The Big Theory: http://www.alternet.ohtrg/media/how-fox-news-created-new-culture-idiots

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