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You are here Editorials Alex Baer Curtain Calls or Just Curtains for the Moron Show

Curtain Calls or Just Curtains for the Moron Show

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The loose chatter of Romneysiacs is idling upward, as the gabblers feel their Wheaties, and are feeling especially well-armed with a bad case of Sore Loseritis, made worse by the brain-disengaging disease, Secessionist Fevers, aka Separation Anxieties.

In a word, give or take some Romney-voting states, the Old South wants O-U-T.

My first impulse is to be just as reckless in return, suggesting that all ten states, and all 100,000 petitioners in this idiot cause, be given a small, hyphenated phrase in blunt reply.  (No, I was not thinking of a biological impossibility, but that would be a most excellent guess.)  I was in fact thinking of this one:  Buh-bye.

You know, as in:  Don't let the screen door slap you in the ass on your way out, you bozos.

Texas -- who woulda guessed? -- has taken the lead once again, this perennial secessionist rose amongst all the states.  The petition from Texas has 25,000 ticked-off, sore-loser, Romneybot, racist Teabaggers fuming and steaming around in circles, back and forth, kicking any slow-moving small animals that accidentally get in their het-up way.

Another four years of that black man in the White House?   They'd tell you it was just too much to take.  Of course, we're talking mental lightweights grabbing for straws.  The Texas petition, says the BBC, cites blatant abuses of American rights by the TSA as the hotbed beneath all this angst.

Gee, Texans -- that sure must have been one helluva strip search and intensely attentive probing in the back room to have caused this particular case of red-state red-ass.

The Kabuki Players provide bullying treatment on every single Texan, without exception -- man, woman, and child?  Pets, too?

Texans, please:  Surely you can do better than TSA abuse as an excuse.  That's not a semi-thoughtful or barely plausible reason or rationale for the sudden urge to cancel our 50-state merge.  Cheap advice?  Work on your story some more, so it doesn't sound like you've been up all night reading from Trump's Big Blowhard Book of Thinly-Veiled, Insane Racist Diatribes and Cuckoo-Land Chicken Bone Readings.

The TSA is about as useful as a screen door in a submarine, but reason to tear away from the union in a Teabagged conniption fit, a half-dunked snit, foaming at the mouth?  Bah. Hard-headed horse excrement, and bent feelings, I say.

(You probably thought you had this one in the bag.  Uncle Karl Rove bilked the billionaires and spent it like mad.  How could you lose?  There was a white guy running, even though he was a fancy-pants... uh, underweared... Mormon.  He was just like you, that millionaire, even though he was as much like you as a fresh salad bar is like a compost heap.  But, we get it:  Your expectations are dashed, your feelings hurt, and your minds have finally snapped like dry twigs.)

Your shouts of Teabagger indignation -- hurrah, hurrah, get your tempests, ladies and gentlemen, and matching teapots, too! -- are now including all the sound and fury of a redneck PTA group trying for the 93rd time to ban Catcher in the Rye and Slaughterhouse Five, and let's get these damned books burned once and for all, so we can start on the rest of the li-berry.

Sigh. One of many problems with race-emphasizing, dim-bulb dummies is that they cannot conceive of anyone smarter than themselves.  This leads to real confusion when Smart actually comes a-riding into their town, shooting twin guns of logic and fact -- picking off people's hats, sniping cigarettes in half while still gripped in lips, and lighting held-up matches from trick shots made 50 paces off.

Why, here's our prime time, dim-bulb contestant right now!  Meet Hardin County, Texas, Treasurer, Republican (what a surprise!) Peter Morrison.  He's a Ron Paul supporter and busies himself with a "race-heavy" Tea Party newsletter, according to a McClatchy News Service story.

OK, Morrison -- we've got you dialed in:  You dislike anyone who's not white, you want no government except what you might personally benefit from -- but someone else has to pay for it, not you.  And, oh, right:  You backed a doctor who thought it would be all right to let patients without medical insurance die in emergency rooms.  Got it.

A sample of Morrison's choice, mental machinations:  "Why should Vermont and Texas live under the same government?" he asks, noting that each should be allowed to "go her own way."

He continues -- and here, he winds up for the big blow -- demanding an "amicable divorce" from the U.S. and the "maggots" who re-elected President Obama.  Charming fellow, yes?

Asian-Americans and Hispanics are bulls-eyed very well on his chopping block, too, with Morrison saying they voted on an "ethnic basis."

You know:  It's always a game of Whac-A-Mole with psycho Republicans.  Just when you get a couple insensitive, science-clueless morons out of office who loved vomiting up their incomprehensible, endlessly-offensive opinions regarding rape, another handful of jabbering jackanapes springs right up to infest the joint and take their place.

One more thing -- and, if you saw this coming, please award yourself a handful of bonus points and a crate of anti-GOP hypnosis spray:  Morrison was tapped, of course, to help screen Texas public school textbooks.  Of course! Sound decisions all around, yes?

He apparently has a few hundred readers for his droll newsletter dreck, and has his, uh, thoughts reprinted on Teabagger websites and redistributed by evangelical Republicans.  Morrison is also described as a home-schooler and as one of the area's more libertarian Republicans.  Any of this come as a surprise?

Which all brings us to two immediate points:  First, from an economic perspective, no great loss if you Old Southers decide to depart.  You won't much like hearing this, but, for the record, most red states are the Ayn-Randian parasites, taking in more money than they contribute to that evil ol' fed'ral gummint.

Second, you should have your Ambassador to the United States contact the State Department to work out a host of details -- you know, for allocation of resources, the amount of time you and we will both allow dual citizenship for your people, trade agreements, and so on.

For starters, just because you're so big into the "one drop" rule for determining everyone's birth race, we'll be using the same standard ourselves, sort of.  See, for any facility or equipment or property or business or other asset that contains so much as one penny of United States taxpayer funding, the entire shebang reverts to the U.S. Government, period.

Federal facilities, funds, emergency equipment, medical institutions, military bases, universities, utilities, communication systems, and the like, all remain U.S. Government property, period.

In time, once you've proven your good neighbor status, we might talk foreign aid, or even some long-term loans -- say 10% compounded daily -- so that you might one day start to repurchase some of those U.S. taxpayer goods stored and that will be used as our somewhat high-priced rentals in your state.

Look on the bright side:  You can own your whole state, and everything in it, by -- ohhhh -- 4019, say. The year 6000 at the latest, counting principal.  Of course, you could always declare war on the United States of America -- again -- and see how it goes this time around.

Either way, we'll make sure you have a souvenir screen door for your trouble, issued at the signing ceremony.  It'll come complete with complimentary, high-grit sandpaper sheets, glued on and mounted right about here, like so.

You know -- right at butt level.

Taking note of more trouble in the Colonies:

Morrison The Maggot Man:

Update on numbers:

Red states are the parasites:

Check out the usage map:

Yes, critics use the safety net, too:

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