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Alex Baer

For Best Success, You Must Succeed - Part 2

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Money, success -- it all gets tumbled and jumbled around together, mixed together and stirred ' round and 'round.  It's little wonder we've lost track of everything that might rightly be beneath any banner called Success.  We usually restrict Success to dance a jig on the rusty insignia of a battered money clip.

Maybe this is a Big Step Up for the Species.  Hard to tell.  We used to invoke Success only on the heads of dead animals we were dragging back to the hearth in the cave.

But, to that law of the jungle:  Money is just bloodsport, turned on its side, and gutted alive, while loved ones watch.  It's called unrestricted, unregulated, unfettered, unchained, vampire capitalism. If you've got a problem with that, you're in the wrong country, my friend, and you're playing by outmoded rules for success.

Last Updated on Friday, 02 November 2012 19:54

For Best Success, You Must Succeed - Part 1

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To be successful, be successful.

Hmmm.  That one almost demands a Homeresque "D'oh!" be parked at the end to spike its inscrutable truth.  On second thought, the only thing here that's obvious is that this opening thought's going to take a few more tries to fully flesh out.

Here's Sir Arthur Helps, from 1868:  "Nothing succeeds like success."  Getting warmer.

All right, with apologies, let's start again.  This time, we'll go a few laps 'round the ol' philosophical cul-de-sac.  After all, if you're going to contemplate the broader Moneygoround, then gathering one's thoughts aboard a conceptual merry-go-round may prove useful.

Ah -- this one might do it:  Success feeds on itself, gathering more success as it rolls down success-covered hillsides, like a snowball increasing its size, collecting more and more snow around itself.

OK, one more time:  After a bit more polish and elbow grease, the central thought final emerges:  The more success one has experienced, the more likely it is that added successes will arrive, and continue to do so with increasing ease.

Last Updated on Friday, 02 November 2012 19:54

Presidential Blowout Sale - Everything Must Go!

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That's right, value seekers -- and there's a seeker born every minute -- we're having our quadrennial Presidential Liquidation Sale days early, by popular demand... (and by our own insistence that we get all these odds and ends out of here, and out from under foot, before someone in this overstuffed warehouse accidentally gets hurt or maimed.)

We might have lost our lease!  (Although Aunt Tilly says it might be in the junk drawer.)  We've definitely lost our minds!  (You kidding me?  This campaign has gone on long enough to drive anyone completely bats.)  But, we haven't yet lost our nerve!  (That's right, if you don't come see us today, we can't make any money!)

You name it, we've got it!  Come in today while selection is still best!  We've got slightly irregular online pieces and blurbs... factory-second factoids and full-length facts... as well as custom-spun yarns and well-waxed tales -- and, all with your mind in mind!

Last Updated on Thursday, 01 November 2012 15:20

Recipes for Disaster - Just Add Mixed Nuts

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Preheat environment to global heating specifications.  Take a bitterly split America.  Smear with layers of rich, premium, Citizens United (TM) dough.  Add an overabundance of cracked, mixed nuts (right side only).  Beat incessantly for 3.9 years, or until population is completely frothy.

Next, fold in sprayable, fully buttered-up and money-sweetened manure.  Turn heat up under mixture via lack of media controls.  Poke at constantly with sharp stick until entire mass is boiling and seething.  Using no intelligent guidance whatsoever, serve with seasonal sides:  Delusional Greed Cakes (Republicans), Repetitive Dismay Bars (Independents and Greens), and Wishful Thinking Cookies (Democrats).

(For extra texture, add Surprise Blowout Frosting, available from Hurricane Whimsies by Sandy -- now with boutique locations from the Bahamas and up into Canada.)

Last Updated on Wednesday, 31 October 2012 19:26

We Interrupt This Storm for an Irony Update

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FLOOR DIRECTOR:  ... in five... four... three... [silent gestures: two fingers, one finger...]

TALKING HAIRDO:  People in low-laying areas all along the mid-Atlantic Seaboard, north, as well as hundreds of miles inland, are being asked to look at their buttocks in their household and workplace mirrors and then wave to them -- buh-bye, kiss-kiss.

ANNOUNCER:  Oh, er, ahumph.  We interrupt our coverage -- wait.  Sorry.  Hold on a sec. Yes.  Our apologies.  We've been informed that announcement's a bit premature.  Willard Romney has not yet been elected President of the United States of America, although we understand those arrangements are now underway.

However, just as soon as we receive confirmation from RomneyWorld and GOP world "Manipulate the Vote!" headquarters that the fix is not only in, but an actual done-deal, today's announcement regarding the status of your buttocks will be repeated, along with suggestions how you can best wish them good-bye, along with tips on how to make do without them.

We now return you to our ratings-pumping, product-pimping, revenue-geyser we like to call our 24-7, Action News Team's Special Apocalypse, Weather-Tracker SWAT Unit's Armageddon Alert 2012 Newsflash Headline and In-Depth Mobile Coverage First-Response Broadcast-Elite Shock Troops, always the first at Channel One with boots on the ground in your neck of the woods, whether your woods are standing or flattened...

Last Updated on Tuesday, 30 October 2012 18:20

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