FLOOR DIRECTOR: ... in five... four... three... [silent gestures: two fingers, one finger...]
TALKING HAIRDO: People in low-laying areas all along the mid-Atlantic Seaboard, north, as well as hundreds of miles inland, are being asked to look at their buttocks in their household and workplace mirrors and then wave to them -- buh-bye, kiss-kiss.
ANNOUNCER: Oh, er, ahumph. We interrupt our coverage -- wait. Sorry. Hold on a sec. Yes. Our apologies. We've been informed that announcement's a bit premature. Willard Romney has not yet been elected President of the United States of America, although we understand those arrangements are now underway.
However, just as soon as we receive confirmation from RomneyWorld and GOP world "Manipulate the Vote!" headquarters that the fix is not only in, but an actual done-deal, today's announcement regarding the status of your buttocks will be repeated, along with suggestions how you can best wish them good-bye, along with tips on how to make do without them.
We now return you to our ratings-pumping, product-pimping, revenue-geyser we like to call our 24-7, Action News Team's Special Apocalypse, Weather-Tracker SWAT Unit's Armageddon Alert 2012 Newsflash Headline and In-Depth Mobile Coverage First-Response Broadcast-Elite Shock Troops, always the first at Channel One with boots on the ground in your neck of the woods, whether your woods are standing or flattened...