TV News LIES

To be successful, be successful.

Hmmm.  That one almost demands a Homeresque "D'oh!" be parked at the end to spike its inscrutable truth.  On second thought, the only thing here that's obvious is that this opening thought's going to take a few more tries to fully flesh out.

Here's Sir Arthur Helps, from 1868:  "Nothing succeeds like success."  Getting warmer.

All right, with apologies, let's start again.  This time, we'll go a few laps 'round the ol' philosophical cul-de-sac.  After all, if you're going to contemplate the broader Moneygoround, then gathering one's thoughts aboard a conceptual merry-go-round may prove useful.

That's right, value seekers -- and there's a seeker born every minute -- we're having our quadrennial Presidential Liquidation Sale days early, by popular demand... (and by our own insistence that we get all these odds and ends out of here, and out from under foot, before someone in this overstuffed warehouse accidentally gets hurt or maimed.)

We might have lost our lease!  (Although Aunt Tilly says it might be in the junk drawer.)  We've definitely lost our minds!  (You kidding me?  This campaign has gone on long enough to drive anyone completely bats.)  But, we haven't yet lost our nerve!  (That's right, if you don't come see us today, we can't make any money!)

Colorado election integrity and transparency is now officially out the window, with a series of corruption protection rules and new laws.

1. Let's begin with the unflappable Donetta Davidson, who collaborated with convicted embezzler Jeffrey Dean(1) to remove voter privacy, through a contract specification that required him to redo his absentee mail software in order to embed a method to tie voted ballots to the voters. This shifty business, which now includes all absentee ballots cast on Hart eSlate machines, has led to a blockade on ALL Colorado election accounting records (see #4, below).

2. Next, in a move that has most of us scratching our heads, Colorado Sec. State Gessler proposed new rules in December 2011 to remove requirements for continuous video surveillance.(2) Though billed as "cost saving," note that most video surveillance nowadays is simply piped into digital files stored on a Web site. Since cameras are already installed, there is no significant cost savings in allowing non-continuous surveillance.

Preheat environment to global heating specifications.  Take a bitterly split America.  Smear with layers of rich, premium, Citizens United (TM) dough.  Add an overabundance of cracked, mixed nuts (right side only).  Beat incessantly for 3.9 years, or until population is completely frothy.

Next, fold in sprayable, fully buttered-up and money-sweetened manure.  Turn heat up under mixture via lack of media controls.  Poke at constantly with sharp stick until entire mass is boiling and seething.  Using no intelligent guidance whatsoever, serve with seasonal sides:  Delusional Greed Cakes (Republicans), Repetitive Dismay Bars (Independents and Greens), and Wishful Thinking Cookies (Democrats).

FLOOR DIRECTOR:  ... in five... four... three... [silent gestures: two fingers, one finger...]

TALKING HAIRDO:  People in low-laying areas all along the mid-Atlantic Seaboard, north, as well as hundreds of miles inland, are being asked to look at their buttocks in their household and workplace mirrors and then wave to them -- buh-bye, kiss-kiss.

ANNOUNCER:  Oh, er, ahumph.  We interrupt our coverage -- wait.  Sorry.  Hold on a sec. Yes.  Our apologies.  We've been informed that announcement's a bit premature.  Willard Romney has not yet been elected President of the United States of America, although we understand those arrangements are now underway.

It started out like a regular day, as I think back on it:  Waking up, stumbling and side-stepping over the dogs on the way to the bathroom, then bumbling out to the kitchen to make coffee.

If I'd been more awake, I would probably have caught the first clue that something was out of whack somewhere... and that someone had better order more whack right away.

OK, so I'll keep to the facts -- you say everyone's a comedian, I say everyone's a critic.